And Sadly I’m Still Here.

‚ÄčI wish I had

A word erased for every one that got caught

For every thought I can’t shake an opposite;

Some cheap balm for useless wounds.
To erase letters to replace 

Single letters stacked before 

De words:

Disrepair and

Drink up,
I have a minute left to pretend so I’ll spill words:

Fresh paint

Stale soul
Roll thickly the layers so that they’ll replace 

Cover over and fill in all my gaps

Dry bubbles permanent craters against my skin

As desperate as I wait to be erased

And replaced by words in my cotton ears:
De-I’ll never do it again,

De-I didn’t mean it,

De-you’re the only one in my world.

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2190.

to the sky with my arms
stretched
losing touch with my fingers & letting
my hands crawl away.

to get lost in the clouds
would be to say i was found in the first place;
i thought i was, once,
but i was mistaken.

taken backwards through time i’d blame clock hands if i hadn’t
noticed the new lines by my eyes &
those on your forehead.

there’s a lot here, to tell,
but why waste these moments on words when
the sky can say it all;

i watch the dusk turn grey & get washed away

& for the first time in a long while
i can breathe.

my dream.

speaking the words i’d heard in my head
he said
in a language once familiar:
we can’t just…
casually pretend to collect our things
without realizing
we can’t keep slowly creeping towards
faded perfection

the words are a weight
because i know them true;
cross luck off my list

closure came right through my window
& i found myself thanking the sky quietly how i
was able to experience what i could
before i gave it away.

a life less lived.

i fell in love with a boy i thought was my whole world
but i was wrong;

he was my whole universe.

***

you had the ability
to make the time stand still,
but i’m a little stumbly so

i got stuck in between the lines:

so swallowed by regret
everything reminds me of what could’ve been.
i’m collecting stories of
things i never did,
buying bookshelves to display pictures of places
i’ve never been,
& ones i don’t remember.

the girl in the photos is a stranger,
but she kinda looks like me.

feel like i’m missing
something once forgot
but i fear
it’s already gone,
so instead i block it out;

the girl in the mirror i’ve never seen,

but she used to look like me.

inmatuation.

sideways glances & secret thoughts we shared
you spoke whispered words
as i watched the fire
& tried to keep my stomach still
from spilling into the flames
or spurting out
like mist into the night sky —
& somehow,
i was successful.

later,
a quick note scribbled on blue-lined-paper
left on your windshield with a kiss
call me sometime
it said
with a couple other dangerous things
you called that night
told me you were flattered but attached & you’d give me a call sometime

i shrugged you off; it was worth a shot & i forgot

until you called me
two weeks later.

watching your little car park on my street
my soul screamed
but not as loud as it did when we were all done
with the bitter realization that
i should have kept you
in my dreams,
where you were better.