tossing & turning until 2am;
awake for 4
this is how it starts
again
so soon —
awoken in the way that only hypomania can
can’t sleep
can’t shut off my head
can’t stop stacking
laundry lists of things to do;
laundry lists of mistakes i’ve made
&’ll make again
my eyes are tired
but not is my mind.
it’s too busy being backwards
stuck getting too busy
looking back the path:
the long way to walk, to climb, to slide, to overcome…
but maybe i can run
faster than clock fingers
maybe i can shrug
this weight off my back
washing like waves down my shoulders
wondering,
why didn’t i do this a million times before?
haven’t i done this a hundred million times.
it’s too much to take so i’m out of bed by 6
cleaning the fridge
taking out the trash;
i can de-clutter my house
but never my mind.
this time will be different,
i lie,
i say
i will save my manias in a jar
lids extra tight.
but before i put it away
just a little sip
just the brief feeling of aliveliness
it shimmers
it promises
take me away on wings of wax, of mistakes
that don’t matter
until the crash.
dancingindarkrooms 