wearing the waxy wings.

tossing & turning until 2am;
awake for 4

this is how it starts
again
so soon —

awoken in the way that only hypomania can
can’t sleep
can’t shut off my head
can’t stop stacking
laundry lists of things to do;
laundry lists of mistakes i’ve made
&’ll make again
my eyes are tired
but not is my mind.

it’s too busy being backwards
stuck getting too busy
looking back the path:
the long way to walk, to climb, to slide, to overcome…
but maybe i can run
faster than clock fingers

maybe i can shrug
this weight off my back
washing like waves down my shoulders
wondering,
why didn’t i do this a million times before?
haven’t i done this a hundred million times.

it’s too much to take so i’m out of bed by 6
cleaning the fridge
taking out the trash;
i can de-clutter my house
but never my mind.

this time will be different,
i lie,
i say
i will save my manias in a jar
lids extra tight.

but before i put it away
just a little sip
just the brief feeling of aliveliness
it shimmers
it promises
take me away on wings of wax, of mistakes
that don’t matter

until the crash.

today’s to do list

it’s beautiful out today, & i feel productive

it’s early spring

it’s bright skies & cherry blossoms & i’ve only had four hours of sleep so i feel productive;

today i am going to be productive,

today i am making my list,

today i am going to:

make the pancakes from that recipe i got last summer

make the bed for the first time in weeks

vacuum for the first time in over a week

go for the walk i’ve been waiting to go on

maybe coffee with a friend i haven’t seen in a year

mail these fifty letters

check the post box for the first time in over a month

pay last month’s bills

get groceries by myself: apples, bananas, bread, brocolli & quinoa

start painting one of these canvases i’ve had for weeks

finish the painting i started in december

paint my fingernails since my old polish has all chipped off

unload yesterday’s clean dishes

throw out yesterday’s stale tea

call my mother

go out for dinner — maybe that new restaurant down the street?

easter dinner?

try this lemon poppyseed loaf recipe i’ve been looking at for 2 weeks

have a little unscheduled bipolar breakdown

eat cold pancakes two hours late while i

cry into kleenex over old written words

…….

today i am going to stay home,

again.