inmatuation.

sideways glances & secret thoughts we shared
you spoke whispered words
as i watched the fire
& tried to keep my stomach still
from spilling into the flames
or spurting out
like mist into the night sky —
& somehow,
i was successful.

later,
a quick note scribbled on blue-lined-paper
left on your windshield with a kiss
call me sometime
it said
with a couple other dangerous things
you called that night
told me you were flattered but attached & you’d give me a call sometime

i shrugged you off; it was worth a shot & i forgot

until you called me
two weeks later.

watching your little car park on my street
my soul screamed
but not as loud as it did when we were all done
with the bitter realization that
i should have kept you
in my dreams,
where you were better.

i didn’t want anything either, until the day i did.

you were incessant & i was bored
manic
with a couple hours off.

you drove
45 minutes to come see me
or was it fifteen?
going 200km on your bike
like you did
when you were late leaving me
the next morning.

still remember the parking lot you met me in, again,
i with drink in hand
yellow eyeliner, gold glitter
and carefully planned casualness
saw you pull up & my heart didn’t even jump
because i hadn’t yet to know —

you coming over i all judgmental
instantly hating your sunglasses
& figuring this was going to be like
any other sunday

until i saw your eyes

& i
watched all my inhibitions disappear up, up, up
like white exhaust in blue skies.