had a good heart to heart with the girl in the mirror
today i told her
i was tired of living like this
tired of telling myself it’s my fault that i’m sick —
that i’m taking too long to get better.
she laughed.
she promised me she’d never leave me
& that she liked me,
well,
as much as you can like the one you’re trying to destroy.
i told her we once were happy, before
we were
ecstatic
reminded her she likes being happy,
because she tends to forget
when she becomes a bitch instead of just a nuisance.
but how, she asks, medication?
antipsychotics are such a scary word.
i have nothing to say to that, because i agree
i can tell myself it’s not my fault, it’s an illness, it’s a sickness,
there is something wrong with my head, i need medicating,
& i understand
but i don’t believe —
& my belief is so blind, i can’t shake it, can’t uncomprehend
my religion is pessimism
at least lately.
she’s had majority government over my mind the last while;
she’s had a damn dictatorship;
she’s held all my votes —
but she’s sparking revolution
because i’m sick & tired
i want to try clean up this life of a mess
shattered across the floor
but she laughs & asks
how i’ll pick up a broom or dustpan
with no hands?
before i collapse & know she’s right
i look down
& there they are
my hands are back attached,
they’re not lost;
they’re in fists.
i told her i’m going to stop listening to her bullshit
& when she gets louder I’m going to start screaming;
put my music up at the top of my lungs to drown her out
because i feel good when i’m dancing
& so does she, although she’s still quite bitter
still saying we have no chance at getting better &
we should just go back
to laying down.
i think she’s scared.
she tells me we don’t need medication — we’re just fine
all i have to do is look around to know she’s wrong
we’ve been here before
back before the crash when she told me i was worthless
i had it all
but she still wasn’t happy —
everything was not enough
to fix the nagging pieces that weren’t right.
she acts as if
i’m the only one to ever make a mistake, in the entire world.
even saying those words out loud sound ridiculous but
that’s what she wants me to believe.
i was mad at her this morning in the mirror
telling her she’s wrong
i’m not too far gone
& i have it within me to save —
i am screaming it now
& she doesn’t know what to say
because all her lines now sound like excuses.
dancingindarkrooms 